The War Within

I drive myself crazy sometimes- and it's those times that Romans 7:15 really hits home for me:
"I don’t understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I can’t. I do what I don’t want to—what I hate." (Living Bible Translation)

There are 2 things that I desire so desperately, but yet have so much trepidation and reservation about asking God for: patience and humility.
I always know that God is going to come through on both requests- but as wonderful as that knowledge is, it's tempered by the fact that it's never going to come easy.
In fact, more often then not, the ways that I receive the most profound breakthroughs in both of those areas are through very painful and/or extremely frustrating circumstances.

There are those moments in your life when you feel like you're on the right track and you're doing pretty good...hahaha, oh man those moments make me SO nervous!

We are in this new chapter of our lives (feels more like a new book actually for how different it is) and we are focusing with laser-like precision on loving the "unlovable".

I haven't mentioned before, but feel to mention now, that we live in a fairly undesirable part of the city.
It doesn't fit the stereotypical "wrong side of the tracks" scenario with gangs, shootings and the like- most of what happens, happens behind closed doors. This is by no means any less nefarious, but I wish to paint an accurate picture.
There are high instances of drug and domestic abuse that happen in this area, and the population of Edinburgh in general has projected a colossal stigma over this whole section of the city.

We have a lady that lives downstairs from us who works for Social Services. I mentioned before that Raeleen and I are really keen to foster children here, and that the need for foster carers in this city is beyond desperate...but we were given some further insight recently from this woman as to exactly how desperate the situation is.

She has the very stressful and unfortunate job of having to go into abusive and extremely dysfunctional homes and physically remove the children from their families. Most of these cases are in our general area.
These children have been either abused, or abandoned, or both.
The even more sickening part of it is that a lot of these children are so used to it, that they don't want to leave it because that's all they know.

When the children are removed, they are put in either temporary or long-term foster care homes, or put into group homes if all foster care resources have been exhausted.
Even the group homes are so full now that children, bizarrely, are being put back in their original homes with unchanged situations- and in some cases far-escalated situations since the parents may take the whole ordeal out on the children like it was their fault to begin with.

On a side note, just so that no one becomes concerned for us- I'd like to make it clear that we are not in any danger. God really did provide a great place for us in a safe area.
The block that we live on is actually very quiet, and all of the neighbors are very kind.
You go over a couple of city blocks and it's a very different story, but we've never been in a situation thus far that would make any of us feel unsafe.
I just always stay close to the family if we ever walk around this area when it's dark.
But even Raeleen says that she never feels unsafe, and that this specific block was and is an absolute God-send.

 From time to time you can hear people screaming at each other from down the street, but I've encountered that in almost every town/city I've lived in so it doesn't really phase me.

It is definitely worth noting that this area isn't close to as bad as the stigma placed on it would make you believe.
This city is very old and has more then it's fair share of lore and myths surrounding it's history.
Many people that have never even seen this area are afraid of it simply because of what they've grown up hearing.

Anyways, having said all of that, I think that you could probably guess that the school which Halo and Ryder are attending, which is 2 blocks away from where we live, has a smattering of dysfunctional children.

I also mentioned in a previous post about a group that we have joined in the school called F.A.S.T. (Families and Schools Together).
It's a group that has 2 purposes: 1) bringing various parents (whose children are attending the school) together to build relationships 2) providing a constructive and organized atmosphere where parents can further bond with their children in ways that they may not normally have opportunities (or the capacity) to do so.

We didn't know before we moved here that we were going to be moving into an "undesirable" area, we just trusted God that He had a plan.
We really feel at home here now and God has really been tugging at our hearts to reach out to this community and build relationships with people in this neighborhood and from Halo and Ryder's school.
There are, understandably, a lot of walls that people in this area have up, and it can be very confusing at times having any idea what people are thinking. But God has been opening doors for us to get closer and step inside the bubble of these people's lives, and it's really quite awe inspiring.

The feeling of experiencing that pivotal moment when someone changes from actively avoiding conversation and eye contact with you, to  them smiling and opening up and that barrier melting away is really magical.
And it's been happening little by little with a whole host of people.

The big thing for me has been trying to see everyone the way God sees them.
There are so many subconscious judgments that I place on people without even thinking about it.
But even worse is the fact that I am sometimes consciously judging those people, and trying to squash them neatly into this box of who I believe them to be.

That has been a huge struggle for me, and those moments of realization can make me feel sick to my stomach.

Let me provide a few examples. I hate that I have any examples, but the fact is that I do, and that me being authentic about it and "owning it" is necessary to helping me change and receive specific prayer for it.

I am no stranger to seeing homeless people. Observing their filthy bodies clothed in dirty rags, and having them accost you on the street for money. Some can get right in your face, while others sit on the ground with a blanket and quietly wait for anyone to take notice and provide some source of help.

As sad and shameful as it is for me to admit, I have, until moving here, had difficulty feeling pity or sympathy for the homeless. I have always felt it to a certain degree, but never enough to drive me to action.
The reason for this is quite simple. I'll put it bluntly, as it feels necessary to do so:
most of them have made their own beds, so they should have to sleep in them. And there are people that don't fit that judgement, but how can you really know who does and who doesn't?
Which person is a legitimate case of an unfortunate circumstance happening to an otherwise responsible and upstanding citizen? And which case is simply one of some person squandering their money irresponsibly or spiraling down the gun barrel of drugs and alcohol?

This may sound calloused, but my response to not knowing the answer to that question, was to default to just assuming that everyone fell into the latter category, and to just leave them to wallow in the mire that they created for themselves.

What is even more messed up about me doing that, was that I was sub-consciously making that decision without even putting a lot of thought to the matter.
The reality is that I would see them there on the streets, and have no idea how to really help them. It actually bothered me so much that I didn't know how to handle the situation, that I ended up setting up this whole wall of judgement between me and them so that I could just afford to not have to think about it.

I've always felt some sense of pity for the homeless, but somehow I've always been so involved with keeping my own life afloat that I would end up missing out on the big picture.

God has been doing so much work on my heart and motives over the past few years, and it has felt compounded exponentially since we moved here.
All of my preconceived ideas, judgments and mental struggles are being laid bare before me, and I'm being forced to acknowledge them and surrender them over and over again to the feet of almighty God.

There was a homeless lady that was sitting at a street corner downtown (or "high street" as they call it here) asking for money. I had a moment where I really felt like God told me to empty the money in my wallet and give it to her. So I did.
I would love to say that she showed her infinite appreciation, and that it was this really profoundly beautiful moment...but no- her immediate response was to get angry at me, cause the amount that I gave her wasn't enough for her to get what she wanted.
Oh man, I had some choice words to say to her (thankfully, and by God's grace I didn't).
I mean seriously, I didn't need to give you money lady, it was FREE...a gift! I felt my face becoming hot, but I just calmly told her that that was all that I had and even showed her the inside of my wallet.
She then walked off to get more money, and left me feeling really messed up inside.

Fast forward to today. I dropped the kids off at school and then took a bus to high street to go for a stroll, and then surprise Raeleen at her work and go home with her.
I stopped in a cafe and had a coffee and prayed for about 45 minutes. It was a really amazing time where I just quietly talked to God and thought about his goodness and provision. I left the cafe feeling really peaceful and upbeat. The coffee I bought had 1 free refill, so I got that in a to-go cup for Raeleen and almost bounded down the stairs.
On my way into the cafe I walked past a homeless man sitting on the ground just outside the door. I really felt the nudge to buy this man breakfast and a drink (juice), so I did.
I had this really excited feeling, thinking about the opportunity I had to bless this man.
I stepped out the door and turned to the man and handed him his meal with the juice.
His immediate response was "no no no, coffee please, I want the coffee".
I had about 6 separate thoughts go through my head at that moment as I was gripped with utter frustration.
Thankfully my reasoning process, within about 3 seconds went from a very powerful feeling of "screw you" to the sad realization that this man was sitting out in the cold and really just wanted something to warm him up. Rather then my first thought of giving him the coffee but taking back the juice (that would show him), I just gave him everything and walked off, trying to sort out what had just happened.

Regardless of the response that I received from both the woman and the man- the reality is that Jesus loved them anyways.
He never had any ulterior motives, and he never responded wrongly to anyone regardless of how they treated him.
It really doesn't matter in the end what those 2 people's responses were going to be. I should be giving out of a loving and selfless heart regardless of whether I receive any kind of  warm, bubbly, heart-warming response in return.
True love isn't just shown to people who reciprocate, but to the ones who never will...or even worse, will return your gesture of kindness with a spit in the face.

I have so very far to go!

There is a father of a child that Halo goes to school with that looks like he is or was at some time addicted to drugs. I know the look all too well. And given the reputation of the area that I live in, I just automatically shoved him into that mental box. He didn't stand a chance.
It wasn't till the first day of F.A.S.T. that that changed.
He came into the room that we were all meeting for the first time in, and there was a small part of me that was thinking "oh, it's good that he's here, this will be good for him".
About 5 minutes later he introduces himself as one of the coordinators for the group....
WOW, did I feel like a total jerk!?
It turns out that he's actually a really nice guy and loving father, who is living a very clean life (now).
I was definitely knocked down a few notches realizing how I had egregiously misjudged this man.

And then there was the time I was standing outside the church waiting to be let in for worship band practice, since the bus had dropped me off a little early.
The street was very quiet, and I stood at the bus stop (which incidentally is about 3 feet from the church) and looked around, listening to my music through my headphones.
I spotted a large open pizza box sitting on the sidewalk across the street and thought to myself how annoying it is that people litter and show a complete lack of respect for the community.
Around the corner strolls this man, again dirty and dressed in raggedy clothes, carrying some makeshift rucksack over his shoulder.
The thought flashed through my mind, "there's another homeless guy, I wonder if he is the one that dropped that pizza box on the ground in the first place"?
The man walked halfway down the street, then stopped, walked all the way back to the pizza box, picked it up, then walked back to a rubbish bin and threw it away.
Again, that same feeling of being a total jerk! "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?" I thought to myself.
I could have picked up that box myself rather then standing there thinking the negative thoughts that I was-but instead I proceed to judge some man and assume the worst of him, when, in fact, he ends up doing the very thing that I should have done all along!

So many of these judgmental thoughts that I have had I've never really taken the moment to realize they were there. They just kind of existed, and festered subconsciously. Now that I've been spending so much time praying for God to reveal Himself to me, and for patience, humility and the strength and guidance to love others the way that God loves them- I'm having all of these heart attitudes being exposed, and it's really painful! Like me wounding myself over and over, and then continually tearing off the scabs.

I keep being brought back to a place of recognizing my utter inability to help myself, and complete reliance on God to change me with His power alone.
It is so true that God's strength is made manifest in our weakness.
I see all these people around me that need help, and God has been melting my heart for them.
Unfortunately my response sometimes can be looking down on them instead- my life embodying the life of the Pharisee in the Bible in Luke 18:9-14:
"9-12 He told his next story to some who were complacently pleased with themselves over their moral performance and looked down their noses at the common people: “Two men went up to the Temple to pray, one a Pharisee, the other a tax man. The Pharisee posed and prayed like this: ‘Oh, God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, crooks, adulterers, or, heaven forbid, like this tax man. I fast twice a week and tithe on all my income.’
13 “Meanwhile the tax man, slumped in the shadows, his face in his hands, not daring to look up, said, ‘God, give mercy. Forgive me, a sinner.’”
14 Jesus commented, “This tax man, not the other, went home made right with God. If you walk around with your nose in the air, you’re going to end up flat on your face, but if you’re content to be simply yourself, you will become more than yourself.” (Message Translation)


The people who's Christian lives have had the most impact on mine are the ones who are authentic.
They have a deep and sincere desire to follow God and do what He asks. They live transparent lives, letting people know about the struggles along with the victories.

I would love to jump onto a soapbox with a megaphone in hand and proclaim to the world that I am always victorious, that I don't have any hangups, and that I have everything under control- but to do so would be a lie, and complete and utter foolishness.

I am a broken man who needs help, and only God can help me, change me, craft me.
And He IS, by His grace- whittling away, little by little.

I hate the pain and ugliness of my sins being laid bare before me...but I love peace that God is so graciously filling me with as He has His perfect way, and I become less like me.

God is so far from being done with me- but I am eternally thankful that I can leave the shaping of my life and future in His capable and skillful hands, and not have to rely on the disastrous, clumsiness of my own.