This Is How We Overcome

I have always been a very laid back and easy-going individual.

I have never been one for confrontations- in fact, for many years I would try and dodge and avoid them at all costs. If or when they would occur between members of my family or friends, I would tend to be the mediator to try as best as I could to diffuse any altercations as soon as was possible.

For me, confrontations, whether big or small, were very intimidating. There would always be a feeling of anxiety attached to it.

Sticking up for myself has never been one of my strong points.

This being the case, people who were so inclined would find it very easy to walk all over me.

When I would feel intimidated, the witty part of my brain would seem to go on a break, and return (conveniently) after the confrontation. It would only be then that I would think of all of the things I could have said (although I still probably wouldn't have said them). 

I think that over the years I have come to master the art of avoiding any forms of confrontation or altercation. 

However, much to my chagrin, there are times when they are a necessary evil- and it is my job to recognize those times and take action.

I hate them just as much now as I ever have- but having my own family that I need to provide an example for has somewhat forced me to step up and face my fear.

I used to drive Raeleen crazy when we were first married because she would see people walking all over me and I would just take it. It would definitely affect me, but I would be at a loss as to what to do and how to respond. 

I have been getting better at it as the years have passed, but I don't think that it will ever come easy for me.

To be clear, I don't find it difficult to stick up for other people. In fact confronting someone on someone else's behalf feels quite natural for me. 

For example: there was a man a few months back who was screaming at and verbally abusing this random lady on the bus. 

Something rose up inside me and I told that guy off, then he sat down and was quiet.

That was easy for me, because it was for someone else. In fact, I actually felt a sense of obligation to do it because she was vulnerable. 

But for some reason the difficulty is in confrontations that are directed at me.

I wish it were possible to confront people exclusively via email- this way I would have a reasonable amount of time to compose my thoughts and properly articulate what I am wanting to say.

If someone chose to harangue me by email it still would be very stressful for me, but much less stressful because I would then have the precious time needed to formulate a proper response. 

O.K. O.K., I think it would be a decidedly bad idea for all or most confrontations to be via email because that would quickly become very unhealthy for relationships. But you can see what I'm getting at here. For some people (ie; many A-types) it's much easier, if not, dare I say it, exhilarating. And it's those people to whom I would generally prefer any unfortunate interactions to be via electronic mail (haha).

To say the least, God has afforded me many chances to exercise courage over the years.

Two of these major instances have been within the past month.

One of the cases involved my manager from my previous employer here in Edinburgh, and the other, my previous energy company.

The first case, my manager from the company I previously worked for was very verbally abusive, manipulative, dishonest and narcissistic.

Over a period of 2 months all but 4 of the staff members of the store had quit. The conditions in the store were very stressful, and the manager was on a rampage trying to blame everyone else but herself for the failing of the store she was running.

It had gotten to the point where I couldn't stand heading into work anymore because she was a ticking time-bomb. 

Plus, with such a bare-bones team left I had no idea whether the store was going to close at any moment or not.

Our Assistant/Deputy Manager gave her notice that she was transferring to a different store, which really made my manager angry because it was more insult to injury for her poor performance. So she proceeded to trash her to her superiors so that her transfer to the other store would fall through.

Thankfully it didn't.

One day, my last day of work before vacation, my manager sat me down for a "one-on-one".

She then spent the next half an hour venting on me that she had been sacked because of MY poor performance. She gave me a long list of horrible things that her boss and one of the other managers had supposedly said about me, and that as a result of that SHE was going to be out of work (makes perfect sense right). She wasn't going to be out of work for 8 weeks however thanks to her long tenure, and so she was going to make my life hell until she left and slap me with disciplinary at the drop of a hat.

Thank God for self-control because I honestly had the notion to jump over the desk and wring her neck. 

Of course I never would have, but you know the things that flash through your mind in those types of instances.

I told her that everything that was supposedly said about me by those two people was completely false and that I wanted to call them immediately and talk about it.

She then said that I shouldn't because I needed to handle things "diplomatically". Instead I should just leave it for some time (if that sounds weird, it's because it definitely is).

After that talk I left my shift to start my vacation, and I was literally shaking I was so upset.

I talked to Raeleen and prayed and gave it a few days, then I sent an email to her boss (who was supposedly the person who had said all of this to her) and Carbon-copied the other external manager (who also supposedly had said horrible things about me) and then also CC-ed the Human Resources Director.

I outlined in the email all of the concerns I had, and all of the questions that I wanted answered regarding the offensive garbage that had supposedly been said about me.

I also included screen-shots and copies of all the paperwork needed to prove that what was said about me was completely and utterly false.

I received a call shortly after that telling me that my case had gone up 3 levels of management, and that the Divisional Director was handling the case and flying up a colleague from England to talk with me and get things sorted.

I attended said talk and answered all of the lady's questions and provided her additional paperwork proving the purposeful negligence on the part of my manager in providing any of us employees with our 3 month review meetings and letters notifying us that we were off probation and were now permanent. Much to the contrary. I had a letter with her handwriting telling me that my probation was going to be extended until all of my references had responded, AND my performance improved.

However I had paperwork proving that my references had been received for a period of months AND my performance had always been exemplary. She had been keeping us all in probation to leverage us into keeping quiet.

I found out that no one had ever said anything negative about me, and it was 100% made up by her. No one knew anything about her being sacked or even leaving the company at all.

She never expected me to talk to anyone about what she said to me because she has been with the company for 17 years and felt that she was invincible.

There was a full investigation opened, she was called in for a talk immediately after me, then immediately went on "stress-leave" and hasn't returned. Ironically she lied to me about being sacked and losing her job so that she could vent on me, leverage me and say all sorts of horrible things- but she got tangled in her own web when I called her bluff. 

For that matter I had to endure a face-to-face altercation with my manager, then send a very intense (but diplomatic and professional) email to a small list of my superiors, followed by an intense discussion face-to-face with upper management, then a final email to close the deal.

In the end God protected me, all of the upper management acknowledged that she was in the wrong and that the matter was going to be dealt with severely- also that, as far as they were concerned, I was a really great hardworking employee and they wanted to keep me.

Unfortunately I had already accepted a position offered to me by another employer and so was leaving the company.

The second case, as I said before, involved my former energy supplier:

This energy supplier is one of the "Big 6" in the UK. There are many suppliers in the United Kingdom, but there are 6 juggernauts, that, between them supply to most of the UK.

The company that we had, had a very good deal and so we signed up with them.

Unfortunately we ended up having some really big problems with this supplier and they started mixing up our bills. I called customer service several times to try and get the matter sorted, but I was just sent in circles and transferred from department to department.

Then they would tell me that the problem was sorted, but my bill would be doubled the next month. It was then that I went online and discovered that they are rated the lowest company for customer satisfaction in the whole of the UK, and that countless other people were having the same issue as us. I cancelled with that company and was left with a hefty outstanding balance, which of course I wasn't willing to pay because it was their fault.

I called the Energy Ombudsman and asked them what our options were. They are the company that goes to bat for you for free if they feel that you have a valid case against an energy company. They have an average 70-80% success rate at winning in favor of the customer.

They told me what to do and I gathered all my paperwork and made detailed notes to myself on my laptop.

I then took several deep breaths and proceeded to call my energy company, politely letting them know that I wanted to speak to a manager and that the conversation was being recorded...AND that I had already been in touch with the Ombudsman.

Oddly enough (heaps of sarcasm)  they transferred me immediately to a manager. All those other times I called and wanted to speak to a manager he inexplicably wasn't in, or wasn't available.

I then proceeded to have a 3 hour phone discussion escalating up 3 levels of management (sound familiar). We went back and forth and I had to haggle the price of my outstanding bill like I was in a Shanghai marketplace (did I mention I hate confrontations).

I was exhausted, frazzled and extremely frustrated by the end of the conversation, but we had a victory in the end and that's what matters. 

I took on a corporate giant and won! That was a huge rush, but that feeling didn't kick in until a while after I was off the phone and able to calm down.

All of this to say- I know that there are countless people out there that have struggles and fears in their lives, but feel like they are the only ones experiencing and grappling with them.

You CAN have victory and overcome. 

Confrontations have always been a very weak area for me, but I know that through my being transparent and authentic- others who may be experiencing the same thing will be encouraged, and not feel alone. I purposely told those stories in detail rather than quick summaries because I know that there are others who would have experienced the same emotions, frustrations, exhaustion and confusion that I did and feel a connection to them.

The fact that I was able to confront both of those situations still astounds me. God is awesome. Some may look at those stories and see them as silly and small, but for me they were Everests, and I conquered them...and I will continue to conquer as God gives me strength.